


Face your own demons

by Waldfee



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Borussia Dortmund, FIFA World Cup 2014, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, German National Team, Hurt/Comfort, Hömmels, M/M, Romance, Tenderness, This takes place years after their carriers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-10-22 07:55:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10692840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waldfee/pseuds/Waldfee
Summary: After the terrible accident, Mats' life has changed forever. Can and will somebody reach out to him, to help him back to his feet?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a native speaker, but I hope my English is not so bad. Please review or leave kudos, I did this with love! :-)

Several things had changed after the accident, had changed slowly, not in a rushing and overwhelming way, but hesitantly, one thing after the other, changed Mats also from the inside out. These days, he found himself looking into the mirror and questioning himself, looking for his known image, which he just couldn’t find anymore. Seeing as his football carrier had been coming to an end long time ago, the effects of the crash hadn’t had too much an impact on his job as one of the sport directors at the club Borussia Dortmund, where he had gladly returned to after his many years in Munich. He even met his former colleges from time to time, the same men with which he had won several championships. These precious memories had never been forgotten and never been abandoned. 

He was close to 40 years now. One year ago, he had still been an overly good looking man, even in this age, where other man grew grey hair, carried a belly round and thick from beer with themselves, not to talk of the boring faces which where bearing the signs of nicotine and an overall unhealthy life style. One year ago, Cathy had still touched him with tenderness.

All of this seemed to be finally over now. Only rarely she visited him, spending more and more time back in Munich with her friends, and when she was with him, her hands had reverted back to herself, playing with her necklace or her hair or were firmly closed around one of her expensive bags. They still spoke with a warm tone to another, but that seemed to be the only thing that had stayed in their relationship.

So Mats was alone for himself now most of the time, thinking about the incident which had destroyed most parts of his once beautiful face. The other’s car had been too fast and had crashed his own, the malfunctioning airbags couldn’t save him from the enormous amounts of glass from the front window. After that, he was bleeding all over. His broken legs had healed, but his face was never going to be the same again, he was indeed lucky that both of his eyes could be saved. 

He had gone to court of course, but left it after seeing that the person responsible was still a poor kid, crushed with guilt, who couldn’t restore Mats’ health and beauty even if he gave his last penny for it, and Mats had enough money on his own.

He had tried to restore a quiet normal life after that, as normal as possible at the least. He ignored the ongoing invitations for interviews, just concentrated on his job, which gave him an overly welcome feeling of stability.  
And there was Benni. Benni, who had became his closest friend again as soon as Mats had arrived back in Dortmund, who also was the ever caring, friendly and warm person as he had always been. Who had held him in his loving arms just after the incident, cried with him in the hospital, visited him on these lonesome weekends when Mats wanted to hide himself forever in his silent flat, being afraid to show his now distorted features to the mass of people who had once adored him. 

But Benni was not distracting himself from Mats, had in contrary touched his face with the utmost care only once, bearing an expression full of gentleness. Mats loved him for that, but had instantly looked to the ground in this instant, feeling deeply ashamed. The precious moment was soon gone, but had left intense feelings of longing and love in Mats. How he missed this loving touch!  
But he also didn’t want to impose himself on his patient friend, who was still beautiful in his eyes, even if he was nearly bald now and had some more wrinkles than years ago. It didn’t matter. Benni was the most beautiful person ever, but he was not his to touch, also when he was a divorced man now after Lisa had cheated on him.

 

So Mats was still laying in his bed this one early morning in spring, when the sun tried to sneak through the curtains to finally bring life back to him. He was going to meet Benni this evening, who had convinced him to go to the cinema at least. Mats was ok with this, nobody would see his face there. They would meet there as some unknown and not so important friends only, nearly the same ones as decades before, when they had won European Championship in Sweden together, when they also had been nearly unbeknown to other people, but young and free as the wind instead. 

This was going to be good. So not all things had changed, after all.

Mats felt immensely grateful.


	2. Chapter 2

In the early evening he met Benni in front of the cinema in Dortmund, where the latter was already waiting for him. Benni pulled him into a tight hug as soon as Mats arrived and smiled at him, thereby looking into his eyes in a gentle manner. “Hi, Mats. It’s good to see you. Shall we go then?”

Mats nodded slowly, only too aware of the few people around them, who where joking and laughing, also waiting for one of the movies to start or their date to arrive. It was dark already, so he did not care too much. Besides, as other, younger footballers were more of interest now these days, he was not as concerned about meeting the former Schalke player in publicity as he would have been some years ago. 

He turned his attention back to Benni and beamed at him. “Yes, let’s go. Thanks for coming and wasting your time with me. How are things at Schalke?”

Benni stopped in his tracks and turned to look at him earnestly, while a look of compassionate sorrow rushed over his face. “Oh Mats. Would you please stop sayings things like that? You know, I like spending time with you. We won World Championship together, you remember?”

“How could I have forgotten that? But sorry, never mind my stupid words. Let’s go.”

Benni looked at him questioningly, but spoke no further, just put his arm around Mats’ shoulder to guide him to the entrance. Mats was very aware of the soft touch, it reminded him again of the fact that he should stop worrying now, because he had a true and loyal friend, he had a good job and the accident happened one year ago already. Things would and should move on, he felt safe, nothing bad could happen to him anymore.

As soon as the movie started, Mats relaxed, just enjoying Benni’s company and the show, which was nothing special, but also not too bad. In some mysterious way, Benni’s hand had found his way onto Mats’ forearm on their joined arm-rests, and it would be a lie to claim that he didn’t relish in that. 

But it was over too soon. Once the movie ended, both men stood up to leave the cinema, Benni seemingly still now and contemplating some urgent matters in his head, Mats on the other hand too shy to ask the other for more of his company.

At last, Benni spoke up, sincerely looking at him with his soft brown eyes: “I had an idea a few minutes ago. How about we go to your place and watch the old photos? These from the World Championship? Actually I don’t want to go home now, it’s not so late.”

“Yes, sounds good to me, we should definitely do that”, replied Mats, glad that his friend wanted to stay some time longer. 

“Fine”, Benni said smiling while going to the parking deck, where Mats also had his own car standing, “do you remember Christoph Kramer singing on the ferry, or the fun we had with Kevin, Manu and all the others? I miss that sometimes.”

“Yeah, me too. We had such a great time, and now we’re getting old and have to watch the young kids play instead.”

“But we’re not old yet, we still have the rest of our lives in front of us”, Benni objected immediately. Mats remained silent again, only too aware that his options, now that he was a cripple, were very limited indeed. Benni must have sensed the direction of his thoughts, because he put a gentle hand to Mats’ back without speaking any further. 

Soon they reached their cars and drove to Mats’ home, both separately in their respective vehicle. Once there, they made themselves comfortable on the couch in front of the large television screen, watching an old CD with hundreds of photos from the World Cup of 2014. Photos from all of their colleges, from the beaches of Campo Bahia, showing all their activities, their pranks, playing basketball, enjoying the sun and then of course training, training, training.

As Mats could observe, Benni was instantly absorbed by the sheer mass of photos, seemed to go back in time along with the show, smiled fondly and often padded Mats’ back when remembering a specific memory of then. Mats was glad to see his beloved friend so happy, glided closer to his side and even dared to lean his head against Benni’s shoulder after a while. Benni didn’t seem to mind, but accepted the loose embrace without letting it distract him from watching some more of the photos.

The photos changed eventually, left Campo Bahia but showed the many football matches instead, first their matches in the group phase against Portugal, Ghana and the United States, afterwards the series of finals against Algeria, France, Brasilia and Argentina. Mats finally let himself be infected by Benni’s euphoria, contently cuddled to his side. 

But then suddenly, there was this one moment where Mats froze. He watched himself in the quarter final against France, shooting the essential goal with his head, then his complete joy while he was running over the pitch and was hugged by his enthusiastic team mates, not to mention Benni, who pressed a shy kiss to his temple in gratitude. What a glorious moment, one of the best of his life! And he had been beautiful then and there, his face glowing, his skin unmarked from hurt or pain, his body strong and capable, also his soul had known no pain then.

Mats couldn’t take his eyes away. Then he lunged for the remote control und rewinded the series of photos back to this one. Again his eyes were glued to the TV screen, admiring his former self and wishing that this could still be him.

But indeed it was not.

Sadly, he looked down to the ground, wanting to hide his loathly face in his hands, hide from the fact that he was different now, inside and out.

He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Mats, what’s the matter? Can I help you in some way?”

Mats shook his head silently, wishing for the pain to stop.

“It’s about the scars again, am I right? It’s about the accident”, his friend guessed correctly.

Benni sighed heavily, and then Mats felt those warm arms around him again, which pulled him into a tight hug. Tender fingers were gliding through his hair and massaging his neck. 

“Mats”, Benni’s voice was concerned, but so warm and soft while saying his name, “Actually I wanted to speak to you about this. Life could be good again, if you let it. But it is short indeed; it just needs a stupid accident to end it all. I have thought much about it lately. Put away your sorrows, please, you are precious to me and you deserve to live a happy life.”

Mats felt the calming tone of Benni’s voice, but still didn’t comprehend what his friend wanted to tell him in the end. Slowly he looked up again. “Thanks a lot and I suppose you’re right, but what do you mean with that?”

Benni’s adam’s apple jumped nervously, as the former Schalker apparently came to a conclusion. “I don’t know your thoughts on this, but I think you are too alone here, and I would welcome an opportunity to see you more often. We could share a flat, Mats. Let’s move in together, if you can make friends with the idea.” 

Mats’ head jumped up, to stare at Benni unbelievingly. Were his friend’s words meant seriously? It sounded just too good to be true. “You mean, we both, here in Dortmund?”

Benni smiled weakly. “It must not necessarily be in Dortmund. Maybe we can find a neutral place, maybe even with a nice garden somewhere?”

Mats still said nothing, but his eyes lit up with joy and he nodded hesitantly. Benni also smiled when watching this, taking it as an encouragement to speak further. “But I also have to confess that this is not a wholly platonic idea. I miss you, Mats.”

Mats immediately replied: “I miss you too”, but then stopped to think some more about Benni’s suggestion. Benni… wanted him? For real? Sure, he would have given everything to make this idea come true, to live in a house together with his best friend. But how could this be what Benni wanted?  
Oh, they probably both knew that there had always been a special tension between them, a very warm and caring connection where they had easily flirted with each other, where there were intense hugs and light caresses on the pitch and sometimes even in private. But there had always been Cathy and Lisa, too.  
Until the very day when Mats had survived this accident and his face was destroyed for the rest of his life.

“But why do you want to be with such an ugly guy like me? I can give you nothing besides being stared at in every place.”

“Mats”, Benni spoke in a hushed, soothing voice to calm him, while his left hand was lingering on one side of Mats’ face to caress his temple. “It’s not so bad; you should start to see it. You’re still Mats Hummels, your eyes are still mesmerizing and beautiful. Yeah, your cheeks, your nose look different now, but you are not ugly. Never.” And with an even more quiet voice, he added: “And I still love you the same.”

Mats stared at Benni for a few seconds, unbelieving, deeply in awe about these beautiful words, which would soon follow him into his dreams, just like Benni himself did. Benni loved him? How he had longed for this, dreamed of this: to be loved again, touched and embraced by open and welcoming arms.  
But the intense, gentle gaze with which Benni looked at him, reassured him of the deep truth behind the spoken words.

He raised his own hands questioningly, took Benni’s hand in his and laid it into his lap, to lovingly gaze at their interwoven fingers.

Benni squeezed Mats’ hand softly and spoke: “And you also love me, do you not? That is all I need from you. Give me your love, and we’ll be happy. Forget everything besides that. Please, Mats!”

Mats raised his head again, close to tears because of the intense emotions in Benni’s tone, in his face, which he knew so well. Benni was not one to hold back his emotions; you could see it all in his open, honest face.

“Yeah”, Mats said in a whisper, “I love you. Love you always, Benni.”

Benni smiled with all the happiness in the world, leaned towards him slowly, took Mats’ face in his hands again and gazed at him with an expression full of love. The intent was clear, they were about to kiss, and so Mats lowered his lips onto the other ones happily, gently nibbling and caressing Benni’s mouth, which was so sweet and welcoming that there were no words for it.

They kissed for minutes, or so it seemed, while their bodies grew closer and closer still, encircling and holding one another. Mats felt content and safe in these strong arms, they caressed his shoulders and neck, all the while giving him hope and tenderness. And Benni must indeed have felt that Mats needed this, because he didn’t stop to caress him even when they interrupted their kiss and Mats leaned his head onto Benni’s chest.

“My Mats”, he said, “We will get through this. We’re in this together now, and I will not let you fall.”

Mats said nothing to this, just squeezed Benni’s hand again.

“Let’s go to bed, love”, Benni tenderly whispered into his ear. Again, Mats was overwhelmed by the thought that Benni wanted to go to bed with him, to hold him the whole night. So this was indeed no dream anymore, this was reality! Life had embraced him again! Now he could face the world and ignore the stupid people on the streets who gazed at him in shock or disgust. If just Benni loved him, than everything else was fine!


	3. Chapter 3

Slowly, Benni led Mats to the bedroom, a room where he hadn’t been before too often, but of course he knew Mats’ flat well enough to know which door to open. Finally, in front of the huge bed, they turned and faced each other, Mats’ face full of awe, while Benni hugged him again and held on tight to him. 

A few moments passed, then Benni loosened his grip and touched the hem of his shirt, silently asking: “May I?”

Mats nodded, and then his shirt was carefully lifted and pulled up above his head. Soon, his other clothes followed and finally Mats stood naked before his friend, who gazed at him with more love than Mats had ever seen before, or at least that’s what he thought in this precious instant. Benni still wore all of his clothes, but even so Mats didn’t feel exposed before him, but cherished and appreciated to the fullest.

Benni draw a single fingertip of his right hand from Mats’ broad shoulder down to his hip bone, where it came to a rest. “See? You are beyond beautiful, Mats, the whole of you.”

Mats blinked happily, moved beyond words, and pulled Benni to him, clinged to him, in a way he wouldn’t have dared to do so just one day ago. Kissing Benni’s neck, he drew his lips closer to the other’s lips, reached them and covered them with his own tenderly.

The following hours were so wonderful that Mats felt close to tears when he thought about it on the next day. With trembling fingers, he unclothed Benni, who watched him the meantime and pressed feather light kisses to his fingertips whenever he got hold of them. Once both men were naked, they laid on the bed together, their penises not being hard yet, because the reverent mood of the moment called for appreciation first.

Then, soft caresses were exchanged, quiet words spoken with great earnestness; they spoke hopeful words of the future, of their wish to stay together now until the end of their lives, as they had already spent too many years apart from each other when Mats had lived in Munich with Cathy. 

Finally, they kissed with passion, dared to touch the more intimate parts of the other’s body, and Mats ached with desire when he touched Benni’s erection, encircled it with his big hand and moved his fingers up and down to stimulate him, to caress the smooth tip and spread the drops of precome over the hard length. Benni bit his lips, only just refraining from trusting his hips forward, all the while massaging Mat’s cock and balls.

It was over too soon, but along with their climaxes there was the promise of more to come. Mats came with an ardent moan, spilling his seed over Benni’s hand, who had watched him during the whole encounter with hungry eyes. And indeed, in Benni’s arms he felt desired again, desired not only for his friendly demeanour or his patient, easy way and character, but for his not so perfect body as well.

After the sex, they laid in each other’s arms again, both happy and content. Benni asked only half joking, while Mats was caressing his soft cheeks: “And you, darling? Don’t you mind my lack of hair at all?”

And suddenly, Mats began to understand some things a little bit better than before, silently exclaiming: “Oh Benni, why should I care when I can be with you? Your hair was pretty when we were with the U21, but I loved it later on and I’m doing so also now.” 

His fingers caressed Benni’s temples, gliding towards his very high forehead. Benni gazed at him lovingly, and no further words were needed. They kissed instead. Mats’ soul would heal in the end, with very caring help now, just as his broken limbs had healed.


	4. Chapter 4

Some weeks later, Mats finally managed to do the necessary phone call:

… 

“You’re - what?”

Mats tried to stay calm despite Cathy’s obvious distaste and explained in a hopefully steady and normal voice: “You understood correctly. I’m with Benni now and I’m very happy. I suppose it’s okay with you since you last came to visit me in Dortmund three months ago.”

Silence followed, which was then broken by the irritated voice of his wife: “That’s not the matter. It’s true, I think we’re done. But I didn’t expect you to find someone else so fast. I have to think about it…”

“Oh, that’s because I’m ugly now? Just because you don’t want to touch me anymore, there’s no chance for me with someone else? And have you not found someone, too? Please be honest with me here, Cathy.” 

After a few seconds, she answered resentfully: “There may be someone, but we’re not that far yet. I’m sorry, Mats. I’ve hurt you, I know this. But does it really have to be Benni? Why him, Mats? Have you also been with him before, when we were together? Did you cheat on me? And beside that, I didn’t know you liked men.”

Mats laughed dryly. “You mean, before the accident, when I still was a good looking man? No, I did never deceive you, Cathy. Not with Benni and not with someone else. But I did always love him. He’s a true friend to me. I could find no better partner for the rest of my life. I don’t care for any other men beside him.”

Now it was Cathy’s part to exclaim a silent “Oh, I see…” Mats looked out of the window, deep in thought. There was nothing more to say to her. He even felt sorry for her, sorry for her simple and egocentric way of thinking, sorry for the many years he spent with her, which he also could have spent with his best friend instead.

But there also had been Lisa before, and maybe he had needed the experiences of the last year to find his destiny, to finally come to terms with himself, and to finally be with the man he truly loved. It was okay now. Gracefully, he had forgiven the young man who had caused the accident which turned his whole life upside down. He even began to like his face again, to sometimes follow the silent, tender traces Benni had left on it while touching him with his own hands in front of the bathroom mirror.

So he pushed the button on his mobile phone to end the call, trusting his wife not to alert the newspapers on his new relationship status. In the end, he had trusted her once, and they did not depart with too many hard feelings.

Then he left the kitchen and went for the garden, their garden now, to put it correctly. Benni already laid in one of the garden chairs, enjoying the sun and awaiting him with a curious, but also slightly worried look. Mats instantly knelt by his side, not minding the green grass, which could leave some marks on his blue jeans. 

He laid his hand on Benni’s forearm and spoke to him: “I told her. I think she will understand if given enough time. She has also found someone.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

Mats nodded thoughtfully, he was okay with everything now. The last weeks had been a hectic, but beautiful rush of changes, as they had moved in together after buying a nice plot of land near Bochum, where both of them didn’t have to drive too far to their respective job. And after all the sheer endless packing of things, the moving of furniture and the official affairs had been done, they were taking their time now to relax and grow closer, just cuddling for hours, making love, kissing, cooking and eating.

He was happy indeed and he wanted to tell Benni exactly that, so he leaned forward and kissed his boyfriend lightly on the lips. Benni soon melted into the loving kiss, seemed to melt into him too, bringing his arms up to lay them around Mats’ shoulders, as if to never let him go.

Then Mats loosened the contact, intently gazing into his lover’s eyes. But lacking the words, he just stared at him, his friendly face, his many, many freckles, the wonderfully formed cheek bones, and again, the warm tone of his eyes. And Benni understood, took Mats’ hand in his own and draw it onto his chest, close to his heart. In unison, they smiled. 

They were not ready to tell the world yet, but maybe even this they would face one final day. After all, along with their jobs they also carried some responsibility for the younger players, to possibly make matters easier for other gay players if they came out of the closet. 

“Benni, my love”, Mats finally whispered, “thank you. For everything.”

The other man squeezed his hand tenderly. “My beautiful Mats.”


End file.
